Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline, Part Six

Whoo-hoo!  The last of the discipline tools!  See my last post here.

11.  Distract or Change Direction.  This one is fairly obvious and works especially well for little ones.  If your 18-month-old is getting into something that you don’t want him to get into, try distracting him with a different toy, song, or game.  Most likely, they will become engrossed in whatever it is that you are doing with them.  It also works well with older children.  Do you have two boys that wrestle all the time?  You can change their direction by asking one of them to come help you right as the mood swings from having fun to anger.  It is harder to stop the action, tell them to knock it off, and then ask one of them to come help you than it is to just grab one of them (usually the one on top of the wrestling match) and make up a job as you drag him away. 

12.  Ask questions.  This is the one that I am working on the most at the moment.  Ask the child questions about how the feel the situation went (good or bad).  He will learn more as he does most of the talking because he has to do the thinking.  “What happened?”  “How does it make you feel?”  “How does the other child feel?”  He will feel like you have more respect for him than if you lecture.  And if you can question well, you can effectively walk him through your lecture without having to give it!   And everyone feels so much better!

13.  Role playing.  Children do not always know what to say when faced with a given situation.  Young children fighting over a doll may not know how to ask nicely.  So you model it for them.  “Rachel, say, May I please have a turn with the doll?”  Older children might not know how to respond in a situation where a friend wants them to cheat on a test.  Have them role play situations in a safe situation like Family Home Evening.  And using third person makes it “safe.”   “Susie and Jonny sat in desks across the aisle from each other during History.  During a test one day, Jonny, whispering, asked Susie to tell him the answer to question four.”   You could also role play with them right before they go to sleep as you tuck them in.

Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline, Part Five

See my last post here.

8.  Natural Consequences.  This one is allowing the natural consequences of an action to take place.  For example, if a child doesn’t eat his breakfast, he gets hungry.  If an older child doesn’t study for a test, most likely, they will fail.  (I say most likely because I know that there are extremely bright children out there who don’t study and still get top grades aka my sister in law.)  This one works as soon as a child can conceptualize cause and effect (somewhere around age four).  In order for natural consequences to work, you have to allow the consequences to take place.  Many times, we as parents want to bail out our children.  But a little consequence learned young are much easier learned than big consequences later.

9.  Logical Consequences.  The parent imposes external consequences as a result of the behavior of the child.  Two rules:  the consequence has to be related to the incident (if you don’t eat dinner, you don’t get dessert is related.  No eating dinner, no TV is not related)  and the consequence has to be respectful to both the parent and child.  (For example if your child is yelling mean things at all the neighbors, they have to stay inside.  But if you make them stay inside for two weeks, that is too long– it longer relates to the misbehavior.  And then it isn’t respectful to the parent because then the child is underfoot all day long complaining about not being able to go outside.)

10.  Time Outs.  These are not the kind of time outs where they have to sit on a chair in the corner.  These are happy time outs.  It is a time for the child to disengage from any activity that is making him upset, angry, frustrated.  They are used to allow the child to cool down so that you can teach him.  These time outs can include time alone in a bedroom, hugging and rocking for younger children, listening to music, reading.  After the time out, create an environment of love in order to teach him–but it CANNOT be a lecture.  As they get older, give the child a specific time to get back together so that you can discuss the incident.  If your child is throwing an anger tantrum while in their bedroom for time out (which can include throwing things), make sure you anger proof their bedroom.  When they are calm, teach them anger management tools–teach them that anger is a choice.  And don’t make their time outs in a location where they are the subject of other’s ridicule.  Allow them to cool down alone.

Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline, Part Four

This is a continuation of positive discipline.  See my last post here.

5.  Make-ups (Restitution)  This one requires that the child do an act of service for the person that was hurt during the misbehavior.  And it is more than just a hug or a quick “I’m sorry.”  However, the act of service has to fit the crime–meaning that you can’t require that your child clean his sibling’s room for 2o hours if he took one toy.  It is our responsibility to provide opportunities for our children to feel responsible for their acts.  We can’t force them to feel anything (aka we can’t force them to feel sorry or sad about taking a toy) but we can provide opportunities for them to serve and be responsible.

6.  Non Verbal Communication.  I wrote next to this one:  “Stop lecturing–it doesn’t work.”  This one is pretty obvious.  Don’t say anything while teaching.  It doesn’t mean you can’t use words–you just can’t say them.  Here are a few examples:  if you tell your kids no TV before your homework is finished–just put a piece of paper over the TV with a smiley face on it.  Or you could put a note in the bathroom to remind them to take their library books back to school.   A great example of this is President Henry B. Eyring’s mom as told here. Look under the heading, “Family First.”

7.  Putting Children in the Same Boat.  This also works well for tattle tales.  When a child repetitively tells on the other child, and then then you punish the one who didn’t tattle tale, you are teaching the first one that tattle telling that is a good behavior and the one who misbehaved in the first place will continue to misbehave because he acts out the way he feels how you think of him.  So with putting children in the same boat, when the first child comes to tell on the second, ask him “What do you think we should do to Billy?”  Then the tattletale will come up with some discipline he thinks is good enough to teach Billy his lesson “We should send him to his room.”  Then you suggest that  “we should do that to both of you.”

A couple of other possibilities with putting children in the same boat:

Instead of allowing the first child to pick the punishment, the parent picks something that both children will need to do together.  We are trying to teach them how to problem solve themselves, not come to the judge (us.)  Both children could make cookies together or clean the glass door or window together (one on one side and one on the other.)

You could also send them into a room together to solve their problem and they can’t come out until the problem has been solved.  In many cases, however, their is a dominant child who will “solve” the problem benefitting themselves and not the other child.  So when they come out, ask both of them if the issue has been resolved.  This will allow you to see if the dominant child controlled the communication or not.

Another way to do this is to have the tattle tale say three nice things about the other person before they tell what the problem was.  It is also appropriate to have prayer with both of the children–inviting the Holy Ghost–and to have each one pray as well.  This helps the tension fizzle and allows the Spirit to work during problem solving.

Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline Part Three

Here are the next two tools of positive discipline.

3.  Practice.  This is where you actually demonstrate to them how you want something done and then you practice it.  It is definitely more for children than for teenagers.   However, I think there is opportunity to use this with teenagers, but it might be more appropriately entitled role play or something.  Since I don’t have teenagers, any of you out there who do have or have had teenagers can comment!

One of the teacher’s examples included sitting in sacrament meeting.  If your kids aren’t behaving, try practicing at home how to sit in sacrament meeting.  Or if your children drop their backpacks in the middle of the room when they come home from school, have them go back outside and walk back in, taking their backpack with them and putting it where it goes.  You might also use this tool with shutting doors, turning off lights, making beds, etc.

It is important that you DO NOT do it in anger.  It is so much more effective when you are making it fun.

4.  Family Meetings.  These are to used to discuss whatever issues the family has.  They do not have to be a part of Family Home Evening (in fact, the teacher suggested not making them a part of that.)  These meetings need to happen regularly, start with a prayer, and have an agenda.  Anything can be part of the agenda–planning a family vacation, family activity for the month, problems getting jobs done, calendaring, etc.  Family meetings are not a jury/trial, but they can be effectively used for solving problems between children.  For example, if a very tidy child comes to you complaining about his sibling–who he shares a room with–has really made a mess of the room, it could be brought to the family meeting to decide how to compromise.  It was suggested to put a piece of paper on the refrigerator where anyone could write down items for the family meeting agenda.  (This is really good for tattle-tales.  Just tell them to write down their problem to discuss in the family meeting and by the time the family meeting comes around, it doesn’t really matter anymore.  Or if the problem does matter, it can be discussed in the meeting.)

The goal of family meetings is to teach children how to problem solve–basically learn how to be married and solve issues through to the end.

Staying at zero

Remember that awesome post I wrote yesterday about staying at zero?  Yeah, well it didn’t work so well for me today.  I was more grumpy than I was happy and more frustrated than I was helpful.  My poor kids.  And I have to say they put up with me rather well.  I am so grateful for their forgiving attitudes.  I am sure that we are given children to learn from rather than to teach.

The other day I remembered to take some pictures of our daily activities.  Here’s a few of the girls first thing in the morning.  We are all about babies and strollers around here.

Katie feeding her “baby” Eliza.

Rachel going to school.

Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline Part Two

I am going to try and address how to stay at level zero before going into the tools for discipline.  What is level zero again?  It is the attitude you have when you are not frustrated, angry, or upset at your child.  Why is it so important that you stay at zero?  You can best teach your child at this point.  Will a child learn if he is being yelled at?  Yes, but mostly what not to do to make you so angry.  (He is learning out of fear.)  Positive discipline means that you are teaching out of love and teaching what to do instead of what not to do.

So how do you stay at zero when your child is driving you crazy?  That’s just it–if you’ve made it to crazy, you have passed level zero.  Look at the diagram above.  After you ask your child to do something, watch yourself.  As time goes on and the child does not do what you have asked, you get more upset.  You have to act early.

First as I wrote about last week, fill their emotional bank accounts (ten positives to one negative).  When a situation comes up where you have to discipline, they will be full emtionally.  Then keep your word.  If you tell your child that they can only check out three books at the library and they want to pick four and won’t listen, give them one warning (tell them what will happen if they don’t listen), and if they still won’t listen, carry through with the consequence.  (Yes, this did happen to me, and I told Rachel that she couldn’t check out books if she didn’t put one back.  She chose to not listen, so I carried a screaming Rachel out the door and strapped her in the car and listened to screams all the way home.  Was this acutely painful for me?  Yes…probably more so than for her.  I really wanted her to check out books…I know she loves stories…but she also needs to learn to listen.)  After you carry through the consequence, continually strive to be consistent.  I can’t give in when I’ve told Rachel the consequences no matter how painful it is for me or her.  If I do, she learns that if she whines loudly and long enough, she gets what she wants.

Here are the first two discipline tools.  Remember that they are only two of about 10-12 choices.  So if it doesn’t work for you or your child, try something else.  And don’t rely completely on one tool.  Use many as you discipline your children.

1.  Choices.  This is just what is sounds like.  You give two choices and allow your child to choose.  It allows them to have power over their decision.  A couple of things to remember when you give choice.  Both choice have to be ok with you.  (aka you can’t have a predetermined answer.  If I give Katie a choice of wearing two different outfits, but I really want her to pick a certain one, then choices doesn’t work.)  If a child doesn’t choose, I have the right to choose for them.  This has worked really well lately for Rachel.  I give her two choices and then she usually mopes about it.  I tell her that if she doesn’t choose, I will choose for her.  That really gets her attention and she picks her choice really quickly.

2.  Gaiting.  This creates a win-win situation.   An example of this is telling a child that they can watch TV when they have picked up their toys.  For this to work, your child has to have a hot button.  If  the child doens’t care to watch TV when they find out they have to pick up their toys, it won’t work.  You have to be careful using this one exclusively.  You can create a manipulative child if they start thinking that everytime they do something around the house they “get” a priviledge.

(Remember, that I am no parenting expert.  I am trying to do my best to implement all of these ideas given to me in my parenting class.  And if some of you think I was harsh to not allow Rachel to check out books, I probably was.  Does it really matter three books or four?  Probably not, except that I have a hard time keeping track of all the books after they check them out.  They sure don’t keep track of them!)

Parenting Tips: Positive Discipline Part One

We talked about the difference between discipline and punishment in this class.  There is a big difference between the two.  Discipline is used to teach the right and punishment is used to force the right.  Guilt is an effective tool in punishment while discipline inspires improved behavior.  Basically it comes down to choosing the right.  Who chooses the right?  It should come from the child internally the choice to do/be good.  Punishment forces them to choose the right (many times out of fear of what the parent might do to them.)

Why do children misbehave?  It’s usually because they are discouraged.  They need to feel a sense of belonging and that they are needed.  If their needs are not met, they act out.  Children will act differently–some need attention, some are looking for power, and some are looking for revenge.   However, as a child feel love, their desire to do good increases.

In order to discipline, you have to be at “level zero.”  This means that you are not angry or frustrated.  Also, you need to make sure that their emotional bank account is full (ten positive to one negative). Keep your word–do what you say you’re going to do.  Children do not respond to your requests–the respond to action.  Make sure that they are capable to do what you want them to do.

Homework this week was to watch yourself and see how you react when your children misbehave.  I have to admit, my first reaction is to lecture.  And the longer they misbehave, the louder and longer the lecture gets.    Like four and two year olds really get the lecture.  We were told not to get depressed or to feel guilty because we didn’t go into the Tools for Discipline.  We were just supposed to watch ourselves and see how we react.  (And let me tell you, it’s hard to see yourself react to misbehavior, realizing that you’re lecturing, and know that’s probably not the best reaction.)  Next week, I will go through some of the Tools for Discipline.

Parenting tips: Morality

Our class focuses on positive parenting–telling our children what we want them to do rather than what we don’t want them to do.  Morality is no different….our children hear things like don’t date before you’re sixteen, don’t get too serious with someone before you’re mission, don’t be in the bedroom of the opposite sex, etc.  But they don’t often hear what they should do.  Many times they get in a situation and think, “I’m not supposed to do that…”  but they might not be able to quickly think of something to do.

Teaching morality starts when they are young. Teach them modesty and their right to privacy.  (this can include teaching them what is appropriate for both genders to wear and what is not, allow them to use the bathroom, get dressed, and bathe in private–if they are old enough)  Teach them what feelings are and that it is ok to have feelings–good and bad.  (this can include allowing them to be grumpy, teaching them reverence on Sundays.)  That way when they have a bad feeling about something, they are in a good position to act upon it instead of trying to suppress it.

Never turn down an opportunity to teach about morality. It can be an embarrassing topic–for you and them.  But we have to be able to combat the world–Satan is trying to push immorality from all sides.  If we turn down opportunities to talk to them about it, we are turning down an opportunity to teach them how the Lord would want morality taught.  Our teacher said that her family has an “open word policy.”  If her children hear anything at school that they don’t know the meaning of, they are welcome to come home and ask her what it means.  She might take them into another room, but she will define any word for them–and then usually ask that they don’t hear the vulgar words from their mouths again.

Another idea is to role-play with your children.  During her children’s bedtime routines, our teacher plops herself on their bed with them and asks about their day, what went right and what went wrong.  Sometimes during those talk times, she will start to describe a scene where they have to choose between right and wrong.  This helps the children visualize what could happen and then if something really does happen, they have already sorted out what they are going to do.

Teach them to be bold and firm. And you can start by example.  If you don’t fight their battles for them, who is?  Always be their “out.”  Allow them the opportunity to say, “My mom or dad won’t let me,” if they feel uncomfortable with a situation.

Use the “For the Strength of the Youth” pamphlet as your guide for teaching standards of worthiness.

Our homework this week was to find a copy of the New Era from October 2008 and read it.  It was a special issue on standards.  You can find it here.

Parenting tips: Self esteem

I got called out a bit this week for not updating my blog…especially the parenting tips portion.  So sorry, to all of you.  I guess I took a little blogging break…not intentionally, more lazily I suppose.

This week’s parenting class was about as much for teaching me self esteem as it was for teaching my children self esteem.  Children seem to sense if a mother struggles with her self esteem.  How do you improve your self esteem? The only way I know of is to go the source of all love and happiness Himself, our Heavenly Father.  (see yesterday’s post.)

Why is it hard to have a healthy self esteem in this world?   Because the world only values about four things:  1.  Athletic ability 2. Beauty 3.  Intelligence 4.  Wealth  And if you don’t have any of those things, you’re not valuable.  Only a small portion of the population has any of those things.  However, we know differently.  We are all valuable because we are all divine.  Each one of us is a child of Heavenly Parents.   We have unique talents and abilities and special missions to perform here that only we can perform.  And that’s how we can teach self esteem to our children.  They have to know and understand the special significance of being a son or daughter of Heavenly Father.

Ways to Instill Positive Self-Esteem: (from the syllabus of the class)
1.  Examine and improve your own self-esteem (Can I enjoy doing things without trying to please others all of the time?)
2.  Help children discover who they really are (“I am a child of God,” their prayers are heard and answered)
3.  Establish a root system (to foster sense of belonging)  (family tree, helping them know extended family, gospel)
4.  Fall in love with your children (spend one on one time with them, write love letters to them)
5.  Give children positive affirmation (show faith in their abilities, don’t recall past mistakes)
6.  Implement positive discipline (teach positives–what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do)
7.  Eliminate self-gratification (teach them to work to earn what they desire)
8.  Turn off the TV (takes away from interacting and bonding with the family)
9.  Eliminate competition and create environment of safety (find joy in other’s successes, NEVER compare children)
10.  Teach them to think about and serve others (take them to attend each other’s activities, family service projects)

This is a huge list of to-dos.  Pick one or two and figure out a practical way to accomplish it in your family. And if you have any suggestions of something that works in your family, feel free to post it in the comments.  My goal this week are to help establish their root system by finding pictures of our extended family and getting them ready to print.

Our homework this week was to study Doctrine and Covenants Section 46 about spiritual gifts and pray to know the spiritual gifts of your children.  I have also included myself and my spouse in my prayers hoping to discover our spiritual gifts as well.  (This will include rereading my patriarchal blessing.)

Parenting tips: The Essential Things

“These are essential things which must be done before nonessential things. These are simple, indispensable practices that almost seem mundane when we talk about them… No one can do these things for us—these are personal practices and habits that set us apart as strong and immovable for that which is correct.”  (Sister Julie B. Beck, General Relief Society meeting, October 2007)

“Some uses of individual and family time are better, and others are best. We have to forego some good things in order to choose others that are better or best because they develop faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and strengthen our families.”  (Dallin H. Oaks, October 2007  General Conference)

Four things which are essential to strengthening home and families:

Family Home Evening

Every Monday night.  And make sure each one includes gospel instruction.

Meaningful Family Prayer

Twice a day.  President James E Faust in the October 2005 Ensign of an experience that a bishop had with President Kimball.

“Years ago, Bishop Stanley Smoot was interviewed by President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985). President Kimball asked, ‘How often do you have family prayer?’  Bishop Smoot answered, ‘We try to have family prayer twice a day, but we average about once.’ President Kimball responded, ‘In the past, having family prayer once a day may have been all right. But in the future it will not be enough if we are going to save our families.’”

Family Scripture Study

Each child has their own copy of the scriptures with a marking pencil.  The scriptures are a workbook.  Each child should also have their own copy of the General Conference Ensign and there should be family home evenings taught of that.

Temple Attendance

Attend regularly and consistently.

The parenting class teacher encourages us to do, with exactness, those four things.  I first took this class a year ago (yes, it is my second time in the class…and if you think I need to retake it, just know that there are others that have been attending 5+ years!) and I have to admit that I have made great strides in those four areas–I am not quite to the exactness part, but I have improved immensely.

How I am doing:
Family Home Evening–we are pretty consistent and usually have gospel instruction.  I would like to add more lessons coming from talks from General Conference.
Meaningful Family Prayer–we do alright at night prayers, but we could improve our morning prayers (like actually have them) and improve the “meaningful” part.
Family Scripture Study–We do great at reading…but we should improve the “study” part.  Occasionally we ask the girls questions about what we read.  I am going to improve my efforts when checking for understanding and application.  (See this post about understanding and application.)
Temple Attendance–This is the area where I have seen the biggest improvement in myself.  Thanks to several friends who have helped me get there by inviting me and being so consistent when going.